Altug's Jingly Bells

.. and Hedges

A Sociological Observation...

Dear All,

Having had the privilege to work at the great 'Express on a part-time basis has allowed me, like many aspiring undergraduates out there, to not on earn a mere wage but to also observe interesting social patterns and behaviours. Studying a Social Work degree, I have been able to learn skills of "engagement" and in addition I have always had a liking to sociology.

Which leads me to talk about the power and meaning attached to bow-ties. You remember bow-ties, the tie's proverbial cute, endearing brother. Before I started work, I would never really bothered to think about bow-ties...I mean in my mind they probably on existed during the 1940's and 1950's when bow-tied goons would go on witch-hunts after rotten pinko-communistas, armed with old style baseball bats and even terrible, incoherent "New-Joes-sy" accent. Oh how I was wrong to say the least.

Indeed, it must be said that each and every time a middle aged (40ish and above) gentleman has come into the store sporting a patterned, bow-tie they have been a Professor of something. Now, by experience, I have had about 15 folks with self-tied patterned bow-ties and the first few times I asked what kinda of "Doctor" they were, as indicated on their flybuys card (yep you can have Dr. on your flybuys card, a post for another occasion). They often respond by saying that they are not merely "doctors" well its kinda like this:

Altug: OOOOooOoOOoOOOoOOooOOoooooOo....Doctor..Sir are you a doctor of Medicine or of something else?

Bow-tie customer: Professor of medicine actually.

Altug: Wow! Cool bow-tie!

It was kinda strange after it happened with different customers after the fifth time. Bow-ties...why bow-ties? Perhaps in the mind of an academic genius, the bow-tie represents a kind of alternative, an intellectual and unique way of presenting one-self compared to say the standard business tie (half windsor style off-course) which exudes a kind of multi-national corporate arbiter willing to maximize profits at any cost. I am perplexed by it.

For any social researchers out there, perhaps a study to look at the sartorial habits of Academics. Because the freaky thing is that, after the fifth time of asking I simply assumed the other times that the other customers that I have served with bow-ties were Professors of something and strangely they were...

Benson...

Attack of the TSG!

Transfer Assignment

SUPER-Happy-fun-DAY!!

Dear All,

It has been a long, tiresome yet miraculously fun day. Having had 5 hours of sleep, I felt super-confident that Super-Happy-Fun-Day would be a test of my customer service skills, not to mention my ability to clean wind-screens and off-course do some pumping, free pumping.

So, the concept of the day is to build greater rapport with our customers in replicating "Good-Ol'-Fashioned" convenience-fuel station industry practices. It is often good publicity when you drive into the petrol forecourt to find 5 raving maniacs jump out of no-where with squeegees running up to your beloved automobile, pouring water over it and cleaning it like a pit-team at the Grand Prix. So on this magical day of sorts, I decided to be on the forecourt. I was keenly waiting for the first car to come in so that I can pounce and offer these excellent free services!

So I waited...........and I waited. So for 5 minutes good old minutes, I stood around talking "corporate gossip" with my fellow grease monke....oh..I mean co-workers. Things like "Did you hear that this manager got this KPI by this much!???" and "Man, Smith's """strategy""" for their degenerate "create-your-own-flavour" chips was poor" and lots of endlessly, at nonsense nodding.."So Corp' was going this way" -N0d aimlessly- "And So we formulate that we are going to create this program involving -no idea-" -Nod aimlessly- "So we are going in this direction, ETA 6 months this going getting off the floor"-Nod aimlessly- nothing said, Nod aimlessly. Thankfully the first customer came into the forecourt, "yippee!" I thought, my neck was beginning to hurt after all that aimless corporate-style nodding.

The first vehicle was this kind of old bomb-like vehicle with an even older, psuedo-charismatic old man with even older clothes, or so it seemed. I ventured forward and I boldly proclaimed "Sir-today-is-a-special-day-it-is-super-happy-fun-day!!-hooray-now-let-me-pump-your-car" and jumped about in excitement. The old man came out of his vehicle, back slightly hunched, he gave me a look and said "What are you doing, I couldn't understand a single word" I quickly explained the wonderful, super-day and as a great as the service seemed he felt that he would pump his own car...thank you very much. But I did offer to clean his windows, that he couldn't disagree with. I mean, getting your windows clean..who could disagree?

I am glad I asked because in total during the day, there were only two other customers that rejected the whole "clean and pump" service. In the midst of all this quietness, alongside the corporate gossip, my co-workers decided to imitate some my more sillier reactions and welcomes. It was very pleasing to see my behaviour being imitated, I sensed that finally after all these years that I was having a positive affect on the people I was working with though I have been advised by my lawyers that if these behaviours become a catalyst for going insane and getting incarcerated then by all means it was all that aimless nodding that did it. Some of the gestures imitated was the the arms-wide-open-welcome-pose, they would shout to me simultaneously "Welcome back Sir!" To which I would laugh to, off-course. It would be quite amusing simply because they would also do while I am talking to a customer, explaining super-happy-fun-day. Funny stuff. For Example:

Altug: "So Sir, that's why we are pumping you for free"
Co-Workers in the background: "Welcome Sir!!!"

In the first hour it was rather quiet, but the last hour was the complete opposite. Therefore, we had to literally just run about, seeing where we could possibly help customers and make them smile. But I will tell you, the sun's glare was the enemy of the day, while I was pumping cars and cleaning windscreens, the sun was right in-front of me using its scientifically enhanced death star laser powers to blind me. It really stunk simply because there were occasions where I could not look at certain customers..I really wished I had one of those John-Wayne style hats to cover my eyes.

Though, I must say that I liked the fact that I learnt something from the experience. For the first time, I learnt how to wash and clean windscreens and much to my earlier presumptions, I was wrong. Here, apparently, was a process that was more complicated, artistic and service-oriented. It was as if I entered a new world, where the bad window-cleaner was consigned little respect and that it would somehow take many years of practice and tutelage from a kind of mountain-top monk for me to become one with the art.

A possible example

As the Super-Happy-Fun-Day drew to a close on that sunny Wednesday morning, I thought that despite my 5 hours of sleep and the sun using its laser powers to subdue my super-happy-fun-approach I thought that it was a fun experience. Remember, aimless nodding can be a great virtue to learn but what limits the experience is that too much nodding can undo the neck.

I think I managed to pump 50 cars that day, it was an experience. Nonetheless, the question that any customer would ask is "Why wasn't I at Super-Happy-Fun-Day?" That is a good question, was it marketed well?-Nod aimlessly- Was the incentive of a free clean and pump strong enough for the customer?- Nod aimlessly- Was the ever-so-enthusiastic presence of 5 dudes jumping about with squeegees no crazy enough? Well I think that it would be a great idea to have more of these Super-happy-fun-days so that they would become Standard-nodding-and-cleaning/pumping days.

Nods Aimlessly,

Altug Kayi

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

ALTUG: THE MOVIE

Dear All,

Well beginning anything with the use of CAPITAL LETTERS would always create a sense of artificial expectation. I find that in this case though, this is a tale that is worth applying to the title. But before I delve into the story of this film I must acknowledge the lack of posting that has occurred.

A possible recreation of what occured

Sad to say that the folks at the organisation I work for do not seem to appreciate this form of eh...community outreach that I do on occasion. I am sorry to all of you (anyone out there?) for my absence, I will try to make more regular contributions when I can. However, it must be noted that this is dependent on the extent to which I am not hauled in and have to disappear. Nonetheless, it is great to be back writing for you to read, perhaps even enjoy!

So, back to the story. Many in the community have heard on the grapevine about a film being made about me. Indeed, these stories are true. It all started about 2 months ago, when on a rosy afternoon, I noticed an email message having been received by a young charismatic filmmaker. It was kinda interesting because I met this filmmaker at a regular customer's super-duper san-reno-located New Year's Eve party!

OFF-TANGENT TIME!! "The tragic tale of Stephen Chu!"

Well it was Wednesday 31st of December 2008, I was very lucky in having been given an invitation to a regular customer's birthday party. Indeed, this was a great customer, he even offered to drive me down to his party place. The plan was to meet at 5:30pm at the Coles Express I regularly work for. This was a fine idea, considering that I could see how the guy that was covering my shift was going and if there were any issues.

So being the good invitee that I am, I dressed-up and even did my hair. Actually the hair did itself, I applied some gel and there seemed to be a kind of world war 2 going on up there but it turned out relatively well! Horray! Anyway, I went down to the 'Express. To summarize how the place looked on that sunny afternoon in a sentence, it was a literal warzone. The forecourt was packed with about 20 cars, many waiting to even fuel up, the store was full of people up to the back of the store, a delivery was being made. It was like one of those really bad, Soviet-era-operated supermarkets.....ugh... My recollection at the time was that the cover must have died and that the people were still waiting to be served.

Thankfully the customer service guy wasn't dead, sadly his customer service was. Everyone, meet Stephen Chow, a 47 year old, half-bald stocky asian guy. When I went inside, no kidding, I actually heard a few mutterings of "Thank God" and "Where were you?" Was this the time that Balwyn's folk hero jumped on the other side of the counter to save the day? Sadly not, for because of my "casual clothing" I wasn't allowed technically to do anything, much to my own regrets today. Now the thing about our friend Stephen, my hero for actually covering my night shift that day, was that he hadn't worked for 3 months, never been inside the store before and didn't even know how to operate the register!

I watched as this man, waddled (not walked) around the console area like the kind of incompetent that even Mr.Bean would laugh at. He was like a blind man trying to hit a fly with a shoot gun inside of a tiffany's store. He didn't know how to authorize pumps for petrol consumption, give cash out or even speak at an standard pace of communication. I looked on amazed at what I was seeing, the 'Express' most incompetent worker. I was just shocked as I saw a man that put the "U" in unsatisfactory. In my mind as he was waddling around, like a headless chicken, I wondered how this man was hired, trained and even allowed to work shifts! I knew that I wasn't there for very long but in my time there I gave Stephen simple tips and knowledge about how the store was run. Things like: pressing buttons, showing him where the right things were, how to use the console. Sadly it wasn't enough and my ride came down. As I gazed upon all those regular customers waiting, I lamented that I just left them in a customer service nightmare of sorts with this dude.

It was indeed a tragedy, not so much for Stephen because I was pretty sure that he may have been brain-dead. A tragedy for the customers and for me because I could not intervene in their trip to hell. Though from this terrible encounter, I did learn the crucial lesson that no matter the circumstance, I should intervene. Anyway, as we drove to San Remo I saw the beautiful untouched landscapes. It was just magnificent, it was a 90 minute drive. As I looked at this simply beauty, the shape of the mountains, the green pastures with animals spaciously roaming through and having fun, the blue sky without a single interrupting cloud, the singular houses perched in the middle of magnificent acres. It was wonderful looking at it, listening to the latest music hits and having good conversation. But I thought back about the contrast between where I was and where I was going, a kind of simple nature vs. artificial economic reality.

To the surprise of all the folks there, I came. I came to this wonderful, homely, homie New Years Eve party. There was fun to be had during the night, we all had great conversations, I made a few jokes here and there and most of all I met some interesting folks. One of the interesting folks was this charismatic film student, indeed here was a gentlemen that had flair and having initially thought that it may be "Stevo" from everyone's favourite degenerate comedy program, "Jackass"...Indeed, the entire was a fun experience. The best part was that I participated in a bit of cricket, a game I seldom play. So a great night, a fun night...a horrifying experience with this Stephen Chow character..possibly the darklord of the sith.

Infact, the next day I had gotten a bit of flak over how I found this Stephen character. They had to call in the midnight guy, who works from midnight to 7am, four hours early just to take back control of the place. Apprently people were starting to voice their anger akin to one of those angry mobs in old Transylvanian villages just about to run riot against some kind of monster. My defense was that simply that he was on the official employees list and that whomever trained him should be thrown into a gulag for not training this person appropriately. Stephen never worked a shift again.

END OF OFF-TANGENT STORY...

So about 2 months ago, this charismatic filmmaker messages me and proposes that I part-take in a film all about yours truly. The feeling I got from that was one of amazement and contentment from the gesture of someone giving me such attention. I thought initially that "Me? I wonder what would be so interesting about yours truly? These folks are going to get pretty bored, very quickly" But despite whatever thoughts of self-loathing I had, I was prepared to participate as a film, this documentary would be a historical record of my time at the Coles Express. Something for the good citizens of the community, who for years have (to a large extent, I hope) enjoyed my service.

This was a good thing. So at first, I figured that I would hang out and have a coffee with the charismatic filmmaker and discuss what the film would be about and how I could help with the production. The film would be about "The man behind the counter", this was a bold approach but again, I thought that perhaps I would be a too boring and what-not. Thankfully though the filmmaker assured me that I would be entertaining throughout the process. Indeed, the process looked like it was going to be quite packed but it looked like a lot of fun. Basically, this included a few interviews about me, a vox pop of the customers in the area, a possible interview with the creators of the "fan groups" and the blog and illustrator of the comics (off-course!) and any other individuals that would like to part-take.

In a nutshell, I had the privilege of meeting the whole crew and I think that I was entertaining in my interviews, though the funniest part of the interviews were my very young cousins and their take on me. They were so funny, as children are, they spoke with a simple, uncensored truth. I think that in that first day of interviews and filming there was a smile on all our faces, we had all just began something that was really going to be fun to part-take in and something that a lot of folks will be interested in seeing.

Overall I had 2, in-depth interviews, they were full of great, well-composed questions. I had a lot of fun doing them, the comic illustrator and blog creator Andrew Evans was also interviewed, a whole bunch of customers, people in the area and even my cousins too!

I am still in shock and awe as to the fact that a film is being made about me. I wonder how in the future when aliens look at it what they would think about the subject, indeed the prospect of finding out about the man behind the counter served to be an educational experience considering that not even I know that man entirely! Many folks will have many questions about when, where and how they could see this film. Indeed, I can't even wait to see this film. It is a documentary of the man behind the counter.

If any of the charismatic filmmakers are reading this post, know that I am truly grateful. These are the magical people that have put me on a silver-screen of sorts and I think that a time will come when I will give them all a giant hug and a high-five for their efforts and hard-work. So to Taylor, Dave, Rosie and Lauren...THANK YOU! I am sure many in the community will be thrilled with such a film and I must say that your goodwill and initiative have bought contentment. To all the fine readers of this column, the film will be coming out soon. Though there is no word yet about distribution or screenings or anything but know that a film will exist.

Well, many thanks for reading what I have written. I hope that this will be the beginning of many a new tale to come. It has been a pleasure that you have read these words and hopefully the time shall come where you shall come in and I shall serve you!

Kind Regards,

Altug

Beam me up, Scotty!

Altug Vs. Boring Robots

The Original Altug Comic!

The Original Altug Comic

Hey gang, the other day as i was going through some old stuff i came across an amazing discovery. The Holy Grail sorta thing.. the motherload...

First let me take you back to a time before now, before the world as we know it. Here we have a young Altug, full of pip n vinegar, young brash and angry at the world.. or at least at certain entertainers residing in it. Even back these those early days, before Altug charmed so many of your hearts, we could see he was destined for great things, a man amongst men. And back then, much like today Altug and I had many a long conversation bout things, things i in turn thought should be visually told, immortalizing the Tug. And to think even though those times passed and were forgotten, the world turns, and now in the present we are back to the same routine, while the old pages sat gathering dust..

But yes! they were reclaimed.. i found the original altug comic! This discovery just had to be shared with you all, so i got ready to digitize it.. alas.. I left the pages on my desk overnight and awoke the next day to find them all sitting in my bathtub soaked through an dclumped together!! Complete tragedy! Im not quite sure wat evil powers were at work that night trying to thwart my efforts, but fear not i wont let them prevail. The Original comic of altug will be told.. i will try and repair the lost pages form their waterdamaged state and get them out to you, the people, post haste!!

Altug's Inane Antics #1 Sing-a-long!

Hey there fellow Altugians!

I'm Davina, and im new to the team. My job's gonna be to keep you informed bout all sorts of cool news, events, competitions and such that were hoping to do this year! Also i'm gonna be kicking those two lazy boys into shape when it comes to frequency of posts.

In order to get a bit more up close and personal with the man himself were gonna kick start the year with something I like to call "Altug's Inane Antics!" Occasionally we'll be doing this segment where we'll film Altug doing all sorts of zany things, as hes want to do, but outside of the store. So you guys can get a lil more Al for your tug. And for most these videos we'll be asking for reader participation to help set the scenario or activity etc..

Our first AIA lined up for year.. We've decided to start with Altug singing us a song. Trouble is we dont know what song to get him to sing. That's where you guys come in. All you gotta do is leave a comment to this post with name of a song you'd like to hear altug sing.. We'll pick the best request, (or one at random?) film Altug singing it and post up the video on the blog!

So send us your requests! Looking forward to hearing from you..
peace out ~