Sunday, August 24, 2008

I am Sam(i)

Hello All,

Sammi, Samboy, S-Man, S-Meister, Samuel, Sam....

During the week before last I lost my name badge and I did not anticipate for one second the kind of reaction I would attract. I mean what's in a name badge? Does a name maketh the man or vice versa? What was both surprising and endearing were the amount of customers that actually said "That isn't your name!" "Where has your name gone?" and the what not.

Some examples..........from the customers

"Your not Sammi!"
"Have you changed your name?"
"Thank you Sammi! Your the best, from now on I will ask for Sammi"
"I am convinced that you are really a secret agent constantly changing identities, I mean how is anyone this enthusistic about working at a service station?"
"I hope that you are doing Sammi justice by wearing his name badge"
"Now that you are the new Sammi, where is the Sammi you replaced"

There was atleast a few hundred people by the end of the week that asked about the name badge and this gave me the determination to find my old name badge again. I had to scour the entire house, I looked through every corner, under every chair/couch, inside of the drawers, inside the doghouse even. I couldn't find it. I had to admit my friends, I looked toward the pale white ceiling and saw my destiny if I didn't find that badge. It would have been a boring, monotanous existence of constant asking of "You're not Sammi" or perhaps it would mean that I would have to become Sammi.

But luckily a day before my shift my mother came to me and said she found my name badge, it was in my other shirt, my lucky shirt (No.3 of 20). Ah, I felt so happy and relieved. I can't believe I didn't look inside of my lucky shirt, thats where I always keep it! I was not wearing that particular shirt that week. Horray...

What would Dr.Seuss think?

But while all this was occuring, I thought to myself....where is Sammi? I only met the man once, and he was great. He reminded me of one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz....but it seems he has disappeared from the world. But that is a whole different mystery. But folks that was my story of my lost badge and life as Sammi for a week. Have a good weekend, whatever remains of it.

Yours Sincerely,

Altug Kayi




Friday, August 22, 2008

In the spirit of the Olympics!

Hello All,




Over the past week, we as world citizens have seen the amazing specticle that is the Olympics of Chinese characteristics. The opening ceremony has been amazing, the drummers, the replacement little girl singer and even the various fireworks everywhere. I have to admit that I have learnt a few things from these grand Olympics, they have bought back some things that 10 years ago were totally uncool. Things like cool silk gowns, simultanous movements and undemocratic autocracy!
So as a result of learning from this interesting political paradigm I have censored any mention and reference to the free cranberry juice story. It has been neatly removed from the pages of history and not really remembered. If you try and google "Free Cranberry Juice" sadly this will not lead you to a story about Cranberry Juice, a night at the Spanish Club or even zany, incompetent taxi drivers.


Another thing that I learnt during this wonderful time of unquestioned celebration is that there are these really crappy olympic tazo things we have to give away. You know those plastic things with the olympics "heroes"? I have to say those things are so useless that even customers do not want them, I couldn't even pay them to take that stuff. I often think about the magnificient capacity of humankind to build and achieve great things and accolades, but these crappy deranged tazo things really condense this capacity to a thin, useless plastic coin with no worth.
I look at these different tazos and imagine in my mind the audacious and mind-numbing manufacturing process attached. I just think about those folks at the labour camps thinking, "$1 a day for this?" Perhaps a tazo revolution needs to occur to bring back respectability to tazos. I miss the good ol' days when good ol' POG was around, I had no idea what the hell it meant but slamming one of those things bought pride to the community. Whereas, you couldn't slam the crappy Olympic tazo things that we try and give out thats for sure.
Thats is why at the store there are atleast 2 whole boxes of that crap that cannot be moved and the saddest thing about the tazo stuff is that they are for free, nadda, zip. I believe that all angry citizens should go out there and protest at the slipping standards of the tazos in our society, there needs to be a stronger determination to expect better, more varied tazos. Outside of Michael Klim and Andrew Gaze, I had absolutley no idea who the hell the other 6 people were. One of them was some lady, the other was some other lady and another a random person from an unimportant sport.
But anyway, hopefully everyone has enjoyed watching the Olympics. I have to admit that I haven't really watched that much other than some of basketball, or to some the B-Ball. But folks have a good weekend, by the way isn't that Dodoni advertisment a little strange?
Yours Sincerely,
Altug Kayi

TAKE IT !!!

Hello All,

First of all, my most sincerest apologies to all of you for my absence from this journal. Sadly I had to devote all of my creative energies to uni assignments. I will try my very hardest to keep updating so I can feed the ever-growing demand. But on to my latest story for today, well the last time I wrote on this blog I told the story of the Swindler, this teddy bear like man that brings in soggy cold pizzas and profiteers off his duped clientele. Well after a month long absence (possibly due to hibernation) he came back last night.

If I can recollect...

Well Wednesday night was a good night, it was coming to an end. About 15 minutes before the end of my shift, our friend the Swindler returns. The following is how things went from when he came in...

Scene 1: Work
Characters:

Altug as Altug,
Lockie as Lockie and
Teddy Bear Man as the Swindler in

"The Night the Pizza was no Biddy"

Enter Altug

Altug (to self): Another great night, but gee I am very hungry...

Enter Swindler

Swindler: HOOOOOW RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR YA mate!
Altug (with arms swinging): Oh NO!!!!!! You've returned A-GEIN!!!! I bought a pizza from you on Monday remember!!! ??
Swindler: I'VE GOT SOME BEUTI-FUL PETZAS FOR YA AND LOCKIE
Altug: Well I doubt that we shall want pizza tonight Pizza man, but we shall wait and see, Lockie comes in 15 minutes.

So there was a 15 minute period where two forces were waiting for the arrival of Lockie, the one that will decide upon the fate of the Pizza man's proposal.

Altug: So "Pizza Man" how goes the night?
Swindler: It wos good.....just delivering Petza

The Swindler walks to the magazine section and reads the ever so adulterous and teeny Zoo Magazine

Altug: So Swindler, what are you reading...?
Swindler: .... ....(ignoring all communication)
Altug: Well?
Swindler: .... .... .... ... Good..

Enter Lockie, co-worker

Altug (arms wide open): LOCKIE!!!!!!! YOU'RRRRRRRRRRREE BAAAAAACK! How art thou tonight!? Guess who is back tonight!!? Our good friend the Pizza man!
Lockie: I see

The Swindler goes to his car and brings in 2 cold arse pizzas

Swindler: Lockie! I got a fresh made, nice, nutrious Petzas! I made it just for you, just for you...only $10 each! $10!
Lockie: Ummmm.............errrrr.............Not this time buddy, one is too much for a week.. it isn't healthy
Altug: Hear hear Lockie, Pizza man, we cannot have 2 pizzas in a week! It would be impossible to burn it all off!
Swindler: NAH! Its good for you, it has vitamins! Look at me, I'm healthy...eh eh eh(him laughing pointing at his conspicuous yet cute beer belly)
Altug: uhhhhhh........no...no pizza for me pizza man
Swindler: C'MON LOCKIE! I made it for you! TAKE IT! $15 FOR BOTH!
Lockie: Um....I don't know....
Swindler: TAKE IT!
Lockie: Well no I shouldn't....
Swindler: TAKE IT! TAKE IT!
Altug: Pizza Man we cannot, its too much you little cutie pie
Swindler: C'MON LOCKIE TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE ITTAKE IT
Lockie: Look when I buy it, its cold and it just goes to the bin..
Altug: Pizza man, he's right, it would be a waste to throw it into the bin
Swindler: TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!! $5 $5 $5! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!!!
Lockie: ah.....no, no more pizza, one is enough a week..
Swindler: C'Mon Lockie! I made it just for you!! Besides I had a pizza tongiht, I can't finish these! TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT
Altug: TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT....uh...actually, Pizza man, we cannot consume your take that pizza tonight
Swindler: -sigh- O....k BUT I WILL BE BACK!! TOMORROW!
Lockie and Altug: NO! NO! Make that 6 months!
Swindler: U-M....Make that next week then!
Altug: how about 10 days?
Swindler: O-K...I will be back in 10 days then
Altug to Lockie: He will come back on Monday wouldn't he
Lockie: Yep....

The End!

Well folks that was what happened, it was part-fun, part-Adam Sandler movie. I have to say that the man is persisent and consistent, he knows how to sell those cold, below par pizzas at a high margin. Man...If I ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh movie, that man will have to play Winnie. But folks with that I must be off, hopefully you all have enjoyed reading this as I have written it. Good day and good night!

Yours Sincerely,

Altug Kayi